wow. my life is so much different now. reading through some of the previous entries (a useful procrastination tool while attempting to write a paper on a graphic novel that is an interpretation of the gospel of mark- which is thankfully done now, save for the footnotes), i was struck by the amount of pain i was in.
not that there's no pain now-- on the contrary, there's still everything with micah (the most recent examples being the drag show he went to and the book alyse had for one of her classes that i practically devoured). and i miss jess. and despite how perfect everything is with him and how thankful i am that i can text and call him whenever i want, distance is still hard. and boundaries are still tough.
[[quick tangent: i think he's coming down for spring formal!! i don't know where he's going to stay yet but that's the least of my worries. he found out (he fairly dragged it out of me, actually) that i had never been asked to a dance and he practically bought a plane ticket on the spot so he could take me to spring formal. which, by the way, is ten times better than any high school dance. because it's in the beautiful courtyard of a beachfront hotel and it couldn't really get any more romantic. aannnnnd i can't wait to introduce him to all my friends (aka show him off :)]]
buuut for the most part things have settled down. justin's getting better. april's great- i'm actually fairly convinced we're long lost twins. i'm figuring things out with my major (i'm switching to sociology. or i'm in the process, at least. i have an advising appt. on tuesday), and with this summer (i'm trying to get an internship in spokane), and the jkc money wasn't late this semester -- for the first time ever. re-entry has been somewhat tricky but i couldn't be happier about the friends i made in mexico and the fact that we now to things like go out for yummy yummy mexican food.
making time for god is a struggle, but i couldn't be in a better place. and last week's 2B reunion at jazzy's apartment confirmed that in a big way. as well as vespers with hannah and the way all my classes are connecting to each other and the surprising fact that i've really been enjoying chapel- though i did miss an amazing one with the pastor of reality. stupid period.
maybe i just grew up a lot in mexico. maybe jess' love has made me more secure and fulfilled. maybe i'm listening to god more. maybe he's just continuing to bless me and i'm finally starting to open my eyes.
mmk that's plenty. it's sunny and i need some vitamin d. and i need to go eat some superbowl snacks and find out who wins so i can prove to jess i sometimes know things about football :)
so how come i can't summon emotion when i need it the most? like now, when denise is dead. and i don't get to the funeral cause i'm fucking three thousand miles away from everyone that i love most. what happened that made me this numb? why am i so good at compartmentalizing? why do i try so hard to avoid everything i need to process? yes, i still fucking want flowers. cause i don't have you, and that's all i really want. but you miss me so much it hurts to see my face so you'd rather hear my voice. there's a car show going and i miss you. she died, and i can't cry. that pretty much sums it up. i don't want to go home right now. and i don't mean back to my casa. i want to go back home home.
i shouldn't have brought up his mom. and i definitely won't again. but it's obviously a huge part of who he is and the way he relates to girls and the way he gives and receives love from a woman... all of which has to do with me, so i don't think it's completely unreasonable that i'd want to know. hmm. maybe i'll ask justin for advice about this one. because it's not just me being nosy. it's me wanting to understand who he is and where he's coming from so that i can better love him.
also, he's not entirely joking about not wanting me to go out. dammit, why did i tell him that stupid story about carlos? why can't i keep my big stupid mouth shut? how can i explain to him that i don't even find other guys remotely attractive, that when my friends point out a guy they think is hot, it just makes me think of how much i miss and want him? i can't even put into words how much i wish we weren't 3,000 miles apart. i want him to be a part of my daily life; i want to walk to school with him and eat lunch with him and study with him and take naps with him and laugh with him and haha yeah i'm not even gonna go there. but you get the gist of things.
i wish he could've been there on thursday night for soooo many reasons, but mostly just to see that i only had a couple of drinks, and i spent the whole night dancing with the girls... most of the time we were in a room by ourselves- there weren't even any guys near. we were goofy and we tried to make each other laugh and generally just made fools of ourselves. how can he not know that everything else is only for him? i mean, i think he does. argh. distance sucks. so worth it, because he's so perfect and makes me the happiest i've ever been.. but still hard.
machismo and maricones in mexico city jeremiah and conquistadores is it really god’s will that we destroy yours and put ours on top, kidnap and indoctrinate your children so they don’t go to hell? which, by the way, doesn’t exist, at least according to don gregorio either way, you’ve created hell on earth with your cruelty and hate babies with broken legs share my dinner table and the F bus flies by, leaving the gringos in the dust sure, painting the house would be against the regulations, but the laws in mexico are flexible oh, so you do speak english glad that took me seven weeks to figure out by the way, Frida Kahlo was crazy and no thanks, i don’t need a massage, mr sketchy doctor but i’d like my twenty pesos back i hope you realize “fuck my life” takes on a different meaning now how bout you just keep climbing towards the light instead?