wow. my life is so much different now. reading through some of the previous entries (a useful procrastination tool while attempting to write a paper on a graphic novel that is an interpretation of the gospel of mark- which is thankfully done now, save for the footnotes), i was struck by the amount of pain i was in.

not that there's no pain now-- on the contrary, there's still everything with micah (the most recent examples being the drag show he went to and the book alyse had for one of her classes that i practically devoured). and i miss jess. and despite how perfect everything is with him and how thankful i am that i can text and call him whenever i want, distance is still hard. and boundaries are still tough.

[[quick tangent: i think he's coming down for spring formal!! i don't know where he's going to stay yet but that's the least of my worries. he found out (he fairly dragged it out of me, actually) that i had never been asked to a dance and he practically bought a plane ticket on the spot so he could take me to spring formal. which, by the way, is ten times better than any high school dance. because it's in the beautiful courtyard of a beachfront hotel and it couldn't really get any more romantic. aannnnnd i can't wait to introduce him to all my friends (aka show him off :)]]

buuut for the most part things have settled down. justin's getting better. april's great- i'm actually fairly convinced we're long lost twins. i'm figuring things out with my major (i'm switching to sociology. or i'm in the process, at least. i have an advising appt. on tuesday), and with this summer (i'm trying to get an internship in spokane), and the jkc money wasn't late this semester -- for the first time ever. re-entry has been somewhat tricky but i couldn't be happier about the friends i made in mexico and the fact that we now to things like go out for yummy yummy mexican food.

making time for god is a struggle, but i couldn't be in a better place. and last week's 2B reunion at jazzy's apartment confirmed that in a big way. as well as vespers with hannah and the way all my classes are connecting to each other and the surprising fact that i've really been enjoying chapel- though i did miss an amazing one with the pastor of reality. stupid period.

maybe i just grew up a lot in mexico. maybe jess' love has made me more secure and fulfilled. maybe i'm listening to god more. maybe he's just continuing to bless me and i'm finally starting to open my eyes.

mmk that's plenty. it's sunny and i need some vitamin d. and i need to go eat some superbowl snacks and find out who wins so i can prove to jess i sometimes know things about football :)

hasta pronto.

so how come i can't summon emotion when i need it the most? like now, when denise is dead. and i don't get to the funeral cause i'm fucking three thousand miles away from everyone that i love most. what happened that made me this numb? why am i so good at compartmentalizing? why do i try so hard to avoid everything i need to process? yes, i still fucking want flowers. cause i don't have you, and that's all i really want. but you miss me so much it hurts to see my face so you'd rather hear my voice. there's a car show going and i miss you. she died, and i can't cry. that pretty much sums it up. i don't want to go home right now. and i don't mean back to my casa. i want to go back home home.

machismo and maricones in mexico city
jeremiah and conquistadores
is it really god’s will that we destroy yours
and put ours on top, kidnap and indoctrinate your children
so they don’t go to hell?
which, by the way, doesn’t exist, at least according to don gregorio
either way, you’ve created hell on earth with your cruelty and hate
babies with broken legs share my dinner table
and the F bus flies by, leaving the gringos in the dust
sure, painting the house would be against the regulations,
but the laws in mexico are flexible
oh, so you do speak english
glad that took me seven weeks to figure out
by the way, Frida Kahlo was crazy
and no thanks, i don’t need a massage, mr sketchy doctor
but i’d like my twenty pesos back
i hope you realize “fuck my life”
takes on a different meaning now
how bout you just keep climbing towards the light instead?